Random Thoughts

Just a few thoughts:

I have had a lot of ups and downs in the past couple months and sadly to say mostly downs. You are always told that life is going to hand you lemons so you need to make lemonade but what about if you don't have the energy to make lemonade what about if you want the lemonade brought to you but alas I guess it isn't true. So you try to make this "lemonade" and then it turns out to suck yep and that is about where I am at right now.

Nothing I do whether it be in CrossFit, career, friends, relationship is going the way I want it to be. Of course it is all about me right, I hate having that mentality but I do sometimes. So I recently have picked apart each part of my life and here are my conclusions:

CrossFit: I am not happy with it because I suck. Yep I truly feel I have hit the wall with CrossFit and everytime I try to push hard I get injured more and more ... BUT at least I know that I need to dial down for a while until I do NLI which I am totally doing. I have also decide to train personally with G I feel that perhaps with her coaching I will be able to get to the place I want to be in the next 6 months. So yes I guess I have figured out what to do with CrossFit but only time will tell!

Career: I got to work on MOnday to realize that I had somehow gotten my days mixed up and missed three hearings. Those are my clients on the line and to have forgotten about my clients means I have forgotten about caring about my job. Trust me I love my job I love what I am going to be doing for the rest of my life but at the same time to have forgotten things that thankfully was not the worst thing in the world is horrible. All I can do is try.

Friends: I have neglected my old friends and I have hurt my new ones. I never have time for both I always feel like I have to choose. I always feel stuck in the middle. I love my friends I cherish them but at the same time I feel forgotten. I know I should try harder with my friends but sometimes I feel that my friends can't accept my true self my sometimes unhappy broken sometimes and my sometimes super excited self. I can only be me and I have to deal with the fact that some of my friends will never accept me and some of my friends will always love me.

Relationships: Well how do I let someone in? That is a question I think about everyday. I want to love and be loved but I have a very hard time accepting that with love comes hurt. Accepting that for me is very hard. I have felt a great love and I want to feel it again but I can't force it and I must accept the relationships that come and go in my life.

These are just my random thoughts in my head ....

1400 pounds of Happy

Yup I am happy NOW I am happy but let me be honest I wasn't happy a couple hours ago. I came into CrossFit Costa Mesa at 6pm ready to do 11.5 Games WOD ... What is it you ask well it is 5 100# power cleans, 10 toes to bar, 15 wall balls AMRAP in 20 mins. THIS IS HARD! I came into this workout with a max power clean of 105 that I had just achieved two weeks prior. So I was nervous without a doubt. My dear friend Erica was my judge and I had a crew of supporters watching, which I wasn't sure how I felt about that, among them were Linds, Carrie, Chad, Chris W., Jenelle and Ben. Well the time started and I got the first two cleans off up and then I felt my back I heard my small voice inside me begin the self-doubt. The I can't do this it is to heavy but instead of listening to them. I heard Erica telling me to rest and then get back at the bar, Chris telling me to move those elbows, Ben saying 10 more seconds of rest and then pick it up, Linds telling me how awesome I am Chad telling me I was in a groove ... those were the voices I heard so I picked up the bar three more times completed my first round.

I had a goal in mind I wanted three rounds I am not looking to make it to regionals I am looking to give it my all. So I went into the second round and I pushed and pushed and pushed and got through those five cleans and completed my second round. It was in the third round that I felt like I was going to cry I had so many things running through my mind. I was scared I wouldn't be able to do it I was scared this was it.. I came to the bar and picked it up and got the power clean but for some reason I felt the tears I knew I wasn't going to get my goal of three rounds so I gave it my all ... up to the last seconds and I got three more cleans.

When Erica said time ... I walked straight outside and started to cry I was really upset embarrassed about my performance. I thought I let my gym down my friends down I let myself down. I composed myself Ben said many kind words to me and I walked back into the gym only to let myself cry again infront of everyone. I just remember Chad who I think is amazing saying "Why are you crying? You did amazing!" I was embraced by the gym.

So I came home still upset still angry and talked to Hillary who was so proud of me and spoke to Ron who was super proud as well. He told me I was doing about 95.5% of my max. I sat and thought about what I had done I started to realize one this is about me no one else and two I did awesome. I got that bar up 14 times my max is 105 I did it I never gave up I truly laid it on the line. Then I just kept thinking more and more I did it. I could never have done that a year ago but today I faced that bar with everything I got. I may not be the number one CrossFitter but I am Katie Sandoval in my own right I am lil firebreather coming into my own, learning about myself everyday and developing into a strong women.

So yup I power cleaned 1400 pounds today and I am not ashamed about it I AM SO HAPPY! I have some of the most amazing supporters in my life and I so blessed. So yup I am 1400 pounds of happy!

Out of Sorts

I have been feeling out of sorts lately well this past week. As much as I try to get out of this funk it really hasn't been working. I am sure most of why I have been feeling this way is because I have been sick for the last week and have only been able to workout (which, I really wouldn't be calling it workout, more like dying)but I did the Games Wod on Friday and was so disappointed with my performance. Not only was a I disappointed I was really upset with myself and how I did, upset with my progress in CrossFit, upset with my future .. plain upset.
I am unsure what brought this on but something did, perhaps the fact that I have been so sick that I can barely get out of bed so all I have had time to do is think. I feel like I really don't have control of my life everything is in limbo... I am not a person who likes to be in limbo I like to have plans but I guess I need to just relax let life take it course.
At least tomorrow, will be another day and I am ready to take it on ... Let's see how long it will last!

CrossFit and the 10k

So I know I already posted about my 10k but today my gym asked us "If we had a story you have of a recent use of your fitness that surprised/satisfied you?" So this is my story of how much CrossFit has done for me physically, mentally a whole different ball game. So lets go back to 2009 .....
.... 2009 I wanted to impress my boyfriend so I decided that I would run the Hermosa Beach 5k and right from the start of signing up I was fearful I wasn't in any kind of shape. I was that "skinny fat" girl I had probably been doing CrossFit for lets say 5 months BUT when I say I was doing CrossFit I was like half-assing it not really caring about it just doing it to shut up the boyfriend ... So race day comes I am like ok 3.2 miles can't be that bad WELL I WAS WRONG ... I remember the sounds of the gun and we are off OFF UP A HILL! What a hill I wasn't at all ready for that what was the best part was being passed by women pushing strollers but I made it up the hill and then I started to walk I was so winded yeah I don't think I had even made it to half a mile but I had to finish so I started jogging NOT running jogging and felt ill and sick and wanted to cry so as we ran along the pier and let me be honest I ran one block and walked a block I just couldn't run anymore ... So as I finally finished the race and was so happy it was over and I pretty much vowed that I would never do a race again........ now zipping forward to April 2011
..... Well I clearly didn't keep my vow since I decided to sign up for the Seal Beach 10k. In all honesty I did it because I wanted to see what I was made of. So let me give you a bit of history of me and CrossFit for the past year and half, I have been actively CrossFitting since January of 2010. I recently changed up my routine so that I can compete soon, which means train harder, listen to my body, eat better etc. Therefore, race day came and this is how it went down

THOUGHTS as I ran:

0-1mile: Nice easy jog ran part of the way with Omar and Mer I was not out of breath I was feeling great never stopped, I can do this not to bad nice cool day

1-2 mile: Mer and Omar turn to do the 5k I charge ahead and then I see a slight incline oh god lets not repeat Hermosa head down charge up ... Ok charging feeling good not out of breath passing people ok good good .....

2-3 mile: WATER STATION... alright great they are using McDonalds cups that makes no sense ok lets do this whole run and drink water oh jesus it is going everywhere but my mouth great this man right infront me just threw his water all over me excellent ... ok need to stop for a second to drink this water ... back to running

MILE MARKER 3: OMG I have been running for three miles straight, I did it I freaking can run a 5k no problems alright now here it is just got to push through you can't stop you don't even know where you are RUN katie RUN

4-5 mile: I want to stop I want to stop ... and funny CHRIS WORDEN popped into my head and all I could hear him saying was What kind of character are you made of? Well not the quitting type that is for damn sure JUST KEEP RUNNING ... I hear a lady saying we have been running for over a half hour ... WAIT I have holy shit ... I don't feel like 100% but I feel great I am breathing running I am doing this ...

5-6 mile bridges ... ok I just got to get to the first bridge ... I get to the first bridge SHOOT another bridge I just want this to end I am hungry but I am ok I can run this ..... Just breath man I wish I had music I could use some Rhianna right now bust a move .... RUN RUN RUN

last .4 miles ... I SEE THE FINISH LINE ... my head is telling me to just walk why not NO NO NO NO NO NO YES NO YES NOOOOO ... give it a go run run well now I can't stop everyone is watching me cheering me to finish I HAVE TO DO THIS ... Finish line sign is getting bigger run run run I HEAR LINDS I FREAKING DID IT ....

If it wasn't for CrossFit this would have been impossible. After a couple minutes I felt great "elated" on Cloud 9 I was so happy. So I can say that CrossFit has done wonders for me. If it wasn't for the wonderful family I have a CrossFit Costa Mesa I truly believe that I would not have been able to finish the 10k race! I LOVE IT SO MUCH!

Sore and Happy

I had two great accomplishments this weekend. The first would be that I did the second games WOD on Friday! It involved deadlifts which was scary because yes I have finally done a heavy deadlift but I haven't done a deadlift workout so I can tell you I was nervous. Nervous that I couldn't sleep the night before and that I had the worse dream that I injured my back again! So, I got up and I started slow at first and I had a goal of six rounds... Ughh I was oh so close to the six rounds two box jumps away! I am still proud my back felt good and I felt that I gave it all I could. So short story yeah I rocked out on the deads and I was so happy... Move to Saturday ... 10k race...

Let me tell you by no means am I a runner. I hate running in workouts I don't like to run in general but I have always wanted to do a 10k and my good friend Linds was doing it and she is a great motivator for me so I decided why not. I also wanted to test out all this CrossFit I have been doing after all I should be able to do just about anything. So I got up and I ran I had a time to come in at, which was an hour and you know what I did it one hour two minutes and I was so proud. I felt really great while I was running I felt good I had a good heartrate, I stopped twice because I don't know how people can drink water from a cup and run at the same time! So I walked to drink the water all in and all I am so happy! My body on the other hand maybe not so much! I am in so much pain now, I hurt to the touch and I can barely walk but it is worth it! I ran my 10k race and I ran hard and fast so on to the next ......

Surge of Energy

I have to say I am pretty happy today. I hit a huge goal of mine yesterday actually I surpassed the goal. Ever since I have injured my back I have been taking a slow and steady approach to my training and for the last six months have not hit a 1 rep max. It has been hard for me to watch everyone else hit their maxes and feel so accomplished and to be honest the entire six months I have felt kinda like mush. BUT the time has finally come it has been six months I have been very careful with my back and this past week I hit my four new 1 rep maxes. It felt amazing, it kinda added a big shock of energy back into my life. I really really needed it.

These next couple weeks are rough and I always get down and am pretty upset, but it is kinda hard to be upset with my life when I can look back at a lift and same WOW I just did that ... And to be honest since the video was posted I have watched it a couple times and been like wait that is me I am lifting it off the ground. Oh yeah I am talking about deadlifting 205 lbs :) lil ole me 115 lbs can deadlift that with ease.

As almost everyone knows I have been deathly afraid of deadlifting ever since I hurt my back and yesterday was no exception I was pretty scared and I refused to count the weight I just told myself once the back hurts stop but as I watched the fellow members at my gym lift heavy it inspired me to keep going and once my trainers saw my lifts they wanted me to keep going and going and then boom all of a sudden I was at 205.

My deadlift has just given me the surge I needed for these next two weeks and it just reminds me of how far I have come in my life and in CrossFit! I never thought I would be so happy to say I can deadlift again. Not sure the point of this post besides the fact that I am happy and I normally am never not during this time. :)

To Compete or Not to ?

To Compete or Not to Compete?

I have been wrestling with this for about a good six months now. For a huge majority of the time I was like I would never compete I am not that good I don't compare to the beasts of CrossFit, but as I have rehabilitated my back, built up my core, I have building up the confidence to compete. I sometimes still see the times on the board and am like what am I thinking? Well I am thinking that I am ready to see what I can do in a pressure situation, I am thinking that I don't care how everyone else does I care that I did it. I believe I can represent everything I have been working on in CrossFit and in my life and this is kinda like a culmination of everything I have been striving for this past year. So to compete or not to I guess it isn't for everyone but it is for me. I might not be the top athlete but I have the heart and the spirit ... And so it begins I am changing up my routine at CrossFit making sacrifices so that I have the best chances come ready ... So although it may not be a competition, my first race is a 10k at Seal Beach on April 2 and I am ready to run hard, run fast, and do my best ... and of course be surround by some fabulous friends from my CrossFit Costa Mesa family :)

PT is all Mental

I haven't been having the greatest week. To be honest this month has not been the best. Not only has work been getting super stressful but I feel like my physical therapy has just been getting worse at least in my mind. Being in physical therapy is a big challenge if you are not in it then you might not understand. To be honest I hate it .. I hate how I have been reduced to 30% to 40% of my ability, I guess it made me think that I was only that good. I am upset my body let me down but did it or was I being careless with my body. As much as I have been struggling and trying to push my limits I am starting to learn that there is way more to PT then meets the eye, especially when you mix it with CrossFit workouts.
CrossFit teaches one to push your intensity right? So that is what I want to do is push but when you mix in PT where they tell you to tone down the intensity it's like taking a step back BUT there is a whole other part of CrossFit the mental aspect and that is a huge part of being successful in CrossFit sooooo... What is so mental about physical therapy well it is mental because you constantly have to be watching what you are doing slowing you pace down, that is all a mental game, telling yourself, as you watch everyone else push to their max, nope you can't push you want to but you can't ... Today was the day I realized how important this was...
I have two exceptional coaches that have really taken time to understand my injury and work with me and really understand what I want out of CrossFit. They have taken the time to sit and tell me what I need to do and how I need to do it and they tell me its a mental thing. Today, was the first day in a long time that I did deadlifts, the lift that hurt my back, it was light of course coaches wouldn't have it any other way and they told me to go slow really slow concentrate on my form. And for once I went slow really really slow, really was listening to my body and my back and really correcting my form. I finished close to last and I kind of felt lame but then my coach walked up to me and said "Good Work" and I was like "yeah ok" and then he said "No really good work, it takes a mentally tough person to slow down a workout and really concentrate when everyone else isn't" And that is when it clicked.
So I am working out at CrossFit maybe not as intensely on the outside but inside my head it is a totally different story.

Inner Beast

I am not going to lie I have been in a really funky mood since the start of the New Year. I thought New Year meant fresh start but instead it has brought back feelings from over a year ago to the surface and to top it off I started the New Year sick! Well unlike a year ago I probably would have been sulking and miserable instead I decided to rededicate myself to the things I love aka CrossFit and some things I haven't touched for a very long time, God.

I dragged myself on Tuesday to the gym in hopes that somehow I could shake the feelings of sorrow and chaos from inside and I put my mind into the WOD and just gave it my all. I really did I literally finished the first round and while waiting that 1 min I cried on the floor because I semi-felt like the world was crashing on all sides of me and because I was out of CrossFit for a couple days but I heard Linds say 10 secs I shook it off and said this is not the person I am and I looked inside, dug deep and held on to that dead hand for those 45 seconds and yup I felt like a champ then moved to burpees and just dropped to the floor, if I want anything to kill me its not my past its the damn WOD. So I completed the WOD and felt good still weird but good. So I came back today and man I still wasn't feeling good and then to top it off I saw the WOD had OHS and I literally was like "Shit, this is going to make my day worse" BUT then I realized I was going back to my old self the one with zero confidence so I decided to shut that off and dig deep AGAIN ... And low and behold my "Inner Beast" came out and I did the WOD and felt so great. So yes this funk I am in is starting to go away....

Now to my second thing I want to rededicate myself to GOD. I am not going to lie I have been away from Church and God for a long time. It was forced on me as a kid and I didn't think it was for me. But some events in my past have recently opened up my eyes to God and I am ready to go back to Church. I believe in him and his higher power. I now realize that the things that have occurred in my past have shaped who I have become and there is a reason for all of it....

Sooooo yes I am in funk but my inner beast is winning!!! :) So I will just go out and kill it!